In The Land Of WTF
by FashionPixie89
Summary: Hilarious Story: Edward begins to wonder about the mental state of everyone in his family except for himself: Gangsters, alcoholics, drug addictions and prostitution. We call Shenanigans.


**This story was planned out by Kimberlee-Shantel (myself) as well as Sarah Teer. It's a fairly crazy story, written purely for the LoLz so if you don't have a personality, I request you don't read it. ; )**

**In this story, Edward is the only character based on SM's version of the characters. The rest (though created by SM) have had their personalities developed by both Sarah and myself.**

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I sat on the back porch of our house, reclined in the lawn chairs Esme had purchased with Alice in an attempt to bring a more humane look to our home. I hadn't thought much of the outdoor furniture until I began spending most of my cloudy evenings lounging in them with Bella. I suppose I managed to forget that she was still in fact human, and would enjoy simple things like this.

Gazing out into the large back lawn, I watched in wonder and amusement as Charlie, otherwise known as 'Chief Swan' played cop. Charlie was a fairly interesting character, probably one of my favourite humans aside from Bella. I never bothered to ask what exactly his condition was in fear of upsetting the love of my life, instead I learned to cope and accept the fact Charlie was a lot more ... special than the rest of us.

Since our first introduction, Charlie had insisted he was a police officer. I knew this was highly unlikely since I knew each officer by name and face, though I went along with it. I even spent an entire hour designing and cutting out a fake police badge for him so he could continue playing the part around the neighbourhood. They toy gun he carried with him at all times and often pointed in our faces was Emmett's idea. He found Charlie's situation quite amusing.

"You're supposed to be dead!" Charlie's lisping words pulled me from my thoughts as I raised an eyebrow in question. Apparently I had been too wrapped up to pay the slightest bit of attention to my surroundings. "PIEW PIEW!" I heard myself internally groan at the annoying, high pitched sound Charlie often made. For some, strange reason the man believed that's what actual gun shots sounded like. I forced myself further back in the reclining lawn chair, holding my chest as if I was shot. This seemed to satisfy him enough to get out of my face and continue shooting the 'bad guys' that polluted the back yard.

I wasn't quite sure how much longer Bella expected me to put up with Charlie – it was like having a child around all the damn time. I let my golden eyes follow him around the yard, cringing as he began singing the 'Chief Swan' song. The same god damned song he'd been singing for weeks.

"I fly like paper! Get high like planes!" I watched as he stretched his arms out, running around aimlessly as if he were some sort of aircraft. I was far too glad we didn't have neighbours... "All I wanna do is PIEW PIEW PIEW PIEW!" He held the toy gun out, aimed at me from across the yard and pretended to fire it in tune to the gun shot noises in the song. I felt my eye twitch as I briefly contemplated darting across the lawn and ripping his face off. "And a - chiiing! And take your money!" His hand now raised into the air, pretending to pull down a fake lotto machine lever. My eyes begged to cry as I watched in wiggle his hips in tune to the song he was humming. My hands clutched the arms of the chair in restraint, my self control slipping...

I breathed an instant sigh of relief as the patio door swung open, the commotion of another family member joining us outside easing my frustration. Emmett came out, dressed in his typical outfits. Somewhere over the last year and a half he had come up with this crazy assumption that he was in fact African American. Nobody in the family had the heart to tell him otherwise. My eyes studied his baggy pants and wife beater, as well as the ball cap turned to the side. He had a bandana hanging out of his back pocket, his boxers hanging out far too much.

"Yo, B-Cat. Esmizzle thought you might be parched so I jacked a coke from da fridge." I shuddered hearing his repulsive slang and for a brief second, wished I was stuck with Charlie rather than my brother.

"The only coke I want is in the form of a white powder, lined o the bathroom floor while you bang me from behind for ten bucks." I was utterly appalled at Bella's suggestion.

Turning away from the situation, I decided to focus on the love of my life, my beautiful Isabella. A frustrated scowl crossed my face at the sight of my girlfriend eagerly plunging her fingers into herself all while staring up at my brother. "You want some of this, big boy? Ten bucks." I slapped Bella's hands away from herself, glaring deeply. For equally as long as my brother had thought he was of African descent, Bella had picked up on a nasty cocaine habit, stooping as low as to sell her beautiful body for money to get her next fix. I refused to condone such behaviour, never giving her a cent for her addiction.

I barely had time to register another angry, frustrated thought when I heard countless thumps descending from upstairs. The look on Emmett's face was fairly amusing; clearly something had happened inside to trigger my brother's laughter. I was about to stand up and see what the commotion was for myself when the screen door jerked open and my other brother Jasper stumbled out.

The smell of Southern Whiskey radiated from his breath as he staggered onto the back patio. His trousers were around his ankles in a heaping mess, giving us all the unpleasant view of his smiley face boxers. He wore no t-shirt, though for some odd reason or another had a pirate hat sitting atop his blond curls. "Did someone say something about hookers and blow?" My eyes shot to Bella in a deep scowl, warning her not to say a single word. She seemed to take my hint, though the second I turned away, I could see her mouthing the words "ten bucks."

"Jasper, but some damn clothes on." I pushed him out of my way, flinching as he stumbled back and tumbled down the few stairs leading to the back lawn. Almost instantly, Charlie was at Jasper's side, his jaw hanging wide in disbelief. I rolled my eyes.

"Edward! Did you push him down those stairs?!" Charlie stood to his feet, crossing his arms over his chest.

"...No?"

"Lies!" I watched as he pulled his fake gun out for the millionth time today, holding it up to me for the billionth time this hour. "I shoot people like you."

"That's... great, Charlie."

"I'll shoot you too, Edward!"

Emmett snickered at Charlie's lisping words, trying his hardest to contain his laughter. Charlie's lazy-eyed stare instantly bore into Emmett, his body shaking in anger. For some reason, Charlie held a huge dislike towards Emmett, though nobody was quite sure as to why.

"Emmett Cullen, you're going to jail!"

By this point, Emmett had broken down into roaring fits of laughter. I half expected him to collapse to the ground and begin rolling around in hysterics. It was impossible not to chuckle beneath my breath, my brother's laughter being far too contagious.

"Emmett Cullen, you need to stop being a jerk!"

"Charlie Swan, you need to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner." I felt my chuckles grow into laughter, quickly coughing to cover it up. I know it is wrong to laugh at people's misfortunes but seriously. Esme was getting tired of cleaning Charlie's spunk out of the vacuum utensils.

By now, Charlie was raging. He went from storming away to storming back over to us. He turned to leave again, before turning back around and launching his toy pistol at Emmett's head. My laughter escalated into loud howls as Emmett stormed into the house to escape Charlie's insanity.

I glanced over to Charlie, narrowing my eyes at him as he aimed his gun at me. For a long moment, we stared each other down until he raised the gun to throw at me as well. Instantly, I darted at my future father in-law, hoisting him over my shoulder before calling to Jasper.

"Jasper, pull up your damn pants and get the logging chains..." I cringed as I heard his thoughts before he spoke them, making my way across the lawn to the nearest tree.

"Logging chains? Good idea, I can use those on Alice!"

"You can use them on me... for ten bucks." I practically growled at Bella's words. I honestly had no idea what had gotten into her over this past year.

It took a few minutes but Jasper had clued into my plot. A few more minutes (along with combined effort) and we had effectively chained Charlie to the tree to keep him out of our hair for the time being. Charlie was growling viciously, mocking our species in anger, all the while trying to aim his spit at us. He reminded me of the monkey's that throw feces at the zookeepers, a soft chuckle escaping my lips at the thought.

"You'll never get away with this, Batman!" I grimaced at Charlie's horrible knowledge of comic books, glancing at Jasper in pity for the poor man.

Carlisle greeted us on the patio, leaning against his cane. I wasn't sure why he carried one around; it wasn't like a vampire really had a bad leg. Esme stood behind him, her leg hoisted up around his waist while grinding her private area against my father. I felt invisible vomit welling in my throat. My mother had become quite the sex addict over these past few months; it was enough to have me willingly gauge my eyes out upon witnessing some of her antics...

Rosalie was still trying to get comfortable on the lawn chair she sat in; her obvious STD's making it quite impossible for her. The last I heard, her lower body was positively covered in herpes. I cringed at that imagery. Alice was probably worse off than Rose, cowering in the corner with a tin foil hat constructed on top of her head. She held a small walkie talkie in her hand, listening intently for any subliminal signals the rest of the world had failed to pick up on.

"As many of you already know, the economy is falling quite harshly this year. Even a family as rich and powerful as ours will suffer the cut backs the country is forcing upon us." I glanced up at Carlisle as be begun the small family meeting he had been planning in his mind for hours now. "I believe it's time we must start making more money on the side, as a security measure. I have already discussed this with my daughters, who are more than eager to begin working the streets. As for my sons, I hope you're just as willing to start hustling drugs."

I threw my hands up in the air as the rest of my siblings agreed, growling up at the sky. "Why me, God? Why the fuck me!?"


End file.
